We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
