remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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