I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
