I am midnight drunk by noon
only you would photoshop your dick
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
