hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
