She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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