Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
