i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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