I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Dick very happy bro
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
