The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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