In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
