my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
