someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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