i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
