mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
