wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
