I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
