I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
