you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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