I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
