Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
