I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Randomize
