Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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