How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
