***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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