remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
