Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
