i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
