I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
