I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
