i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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