I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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