my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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