I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
