ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
