my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
