A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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