dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
