Already got asked if we're dating
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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