its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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