where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
