Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
