If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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