my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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