Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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