know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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