She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
