I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
