He uses pillows to masturbate.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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