I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
well you can't waste a boner
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
